The Brick Wall

To be perfectly honest, I've been in a funk.  That's the best way I know to describe how I've felt the past several months.  One night I went to bed happy and the very next morning I woke up and felt like someone had erected a brick wall around my heart.  The day before I was tootling along just fine taking care of business, and the very next morning when I tried to pray, my brain was everywhere.  I couldn't form a cohesive thought much less a sentence.  Everything from the grocery list, to the to-do list, to home renovations, to......... "SQUIRREL!" was running 90mph through my head and heart.  When I did try to pick up my devotional to read, my insides just said "blech".  When I'd see a spiritual post online, I'd quickly scroll past it as I heard the word "yuck!" inside of my very being.

I figured it was either a phase, I was overly tired, or maybe I just needed a break from it all.  I decided to not do my devotional for a week and to step away from worrying about it.  In that week, the brick wall got stronger and taller.  I knew taking the break was a mistake but I continued on.

The next week rolled around and I promptly squelched every single thought and feeling of needing to study my Bible or participate in any other activity which would stop this backslide I was on.  I chastised myself for being lazy but I figured I'd get back to business in time.  This internal fight continued for weeks before I realized this was more than mere laziness or needing a break.

This brick wall I had allowed to be erected had gained traction and had been fortified with steel and concrete in those weeks.  What started out as a simple low brick wall now had 3 full sides, a ceiling, and a 4th side which was nearly closed.  The height of the walls was seemingly insurmountable and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't scale that wall.

An overwhelming feeling of doom pervaded my thoughts as I realized I had allowed myself to get boxed into a prison cell.  If I didn't actively do something to get off of this path, there would be no escape.  Being a redhead, acceptance of my own stupidity is difficult at best and near impossible at worst.  Even so, there was this overwhelming feeling of needing help which built up inside of me until I could no longer contain it.

I finally made mention of what was going on to a close friend.  Fully expecting to get the reproof of "Well, moron, you opened up the door and let the great loser in...." speech which only a friend can give.  I was quite surprised to hear she was having a similar struggle.  But it also meant she didn't have the strength to help me either since she was battling it herself.

For me, acknowledging a problem has always been the first step to solving it.  Since I owned up to it with my friend, I had made it past this crucial first step, but I honestly had no clue what the second step was in moving past it.  With some more very hard won bravado (remember, I'm a redhead and as such, I don't ask for help), I messaged my cousin (who is a minister) and asked for his advice.

As only a cousin can, he righted my thinking and put me back on the path of life with one simple sentence.  Although he said it with much more eloquence and kindness, in essence he said "just shut up and do it".  So I did......... finally.  Those feelings of "yuck!" and "blech!" were there every step I took through the house to pick up my Bible and devotional book.  I actually had to read and pray out loud in order to squelch all of the "SQUIRREL!" thoughts.

And you know what I discovered?  This wall which appeared so completely insurmountable, which was closing in on me, didn't have to be climbed.  I only needed to do one thing:  reach out my hands and grasp The One that had been there waiting patiently with His arms outstretched all along.  That gigantic reinforced brick, steel, and concrete wall around my heart crumbled to pieces in an instant.

On Friday, I was driving down one of the local highways and was listening to "It Is Well With My Soul".  Ok, so I have to admit that I actually had it cranked up to ear blasting levels because it felt good to have my heart feeling so full and unfettered again.  As the song was hitting its crescendo, I came over a hill and what was before me?  A man dressed in a plain white tunic, wearing a crown of thorns, carrying a cross down the road.............

Written by Christie Bielss