Friday, May 3, 2013

The Redheaded Tag Ripper

how to remove tag, tag, the redhead

"Do Not Remove This Tag Under Penalty of Law", the tag states.  The tags are on everything from pillows, to mattresses, to furniture, and have scared young and old alike.  100 years after being implemented by the government, you can still find the tags on antique pillows and furniture.  When I was a kid, I started to rip one off my Grandmother's pillow and she almost fainted for fear the police would come and arrest us all. For years the redhead in me wanted to get up in the middle of the night when no one else was awake and tear, cut, or rip those tags off.

My fear of being caught by the "Tag Police" though has always kept me from yanking those little suckers off.  I never wanted to go to jail or have to face a judge from the wrong side of the bench and become known as "The Redheaded Tag Ripper".

I have tried to quell those unlawful urges and have been, for the most part, a law-abiding citizen.  Ok, so I've had a couple of speeding tickets.  One of them was for doing 48mph in a 30mph zone, of which I gladly accepted since I had actually been doing 60+mph.  When the police officer asked if I knew I was going 48mph in a 30mph, I said "no"....... because I had been going much, much faster.   Of course, that's when there were back-roads that no one else was on, so it wasn't quite as dangerous, albeit not the wisest decision ever.

The other speeding ticket was just ridiculous and I was innocent.  The officer said I was doing 36mph in a 30mph speed zone.  Considering that I was in the middle of a gigantic pack of cars doing less than 30mph and my speed when I looked down was 28mph, I think he was full of mularkey.  But, being one who was taught not to argue with the law, I took the ticket and sat through an 8 hour defensive driving course to have it removed from my record.  On the bright side, I won the comedy defensive driving class award for the lamest ticket.  My prize was a lollipop - yeah, lame. 

Anyway, while I was changing the sheets on my children's beds, I decided to sit down and read the "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law" tag in its entirety.  I was quite astounded to discover that the rest of the information on that tag described the contents the item was constructed with.  The "Do Not Remove" part was actually written so stores couldn't hide what made up the contents.  I was shocked when I discovered the tag also said "Tag Not To Be Removed ....... EXCEPT By The Consumer".  Why, I am the consumer!  Which means..... I can remove the tags......... LEGALLY!  All these years I've tucked those tags in, dealt with them sticking out of the ends of pillowcases, and tried to make beds without the tag showing.  And now I've discovered I can remove them!  I'm sure the great discoveries that have been made throughout the centuries paled in comparison to this one!

With great delight, I grabbed my scissors and started clipping off all the tags that have made annoying crinkly noises on the mattress pads, on our bed pillows, and have stuck out on the sides of comforters and on my sofa's throw pillows.  I went so crazy I even clipped them off all my kids' stuffed animals.  

I gleefully checked every single item in my house for the tags and when I found one, I would ever so carefully cut the tag off and then with a devilish laugh, wave it in the air, proclaiming my freedom and innocence from Tag Police authority!  I was like the feminists who burned their bras to declare their equal rights!  I was judge, jury and executioner.  Alert the Interpol!  I am tag free! .........  Well, almost tag free.  I did discover on my Sealy mattress that it says I'm not supposed to remove the tag for warranty reasons......... there always seems to be one kill-joy in every crowd........

by: Christie Bielss

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