No Bark, No Bite, No Problem

It was nearly 30 years ago and I was bringing dinner to my (then) boyfriend (now husband).  My parents were out of town and I was dog sitting my childhood pet, a wonderful male toy french poodle named Pepi (short for Pierre), so I brought him along for the ride.  Pepi loved going for rides in the car and it was time to introduce him to the young man I was dating.

Pepi, the coolest poodle on the planet

While I was just starting to experience life, Pepi, at 17 years old, was experiencing his twilight years.  Every time I looked at him, I didn't see the aging pooch with silvered fur.  I saw a cute little black ball of fluffy puppy fur who could perform circus tricks, who loved sticking his head out of the car window on road trips, and who slept next to me at night and was my protector.

Yes, it was time for Pepi to meet my boyfriend.

Because my boyfriend only had 30 minutes for dinner, I would bring his meal to him and we would eat in the car together.  This night's meal was grabbed after picking up the dog, so it was a Wendy's cheeseburger and fries, both of which were Pepi's favorites.

Keeping the dog's head from burrowing into the bag and gnoshing on the french fries wasn't so difficult since he was captivated by the drive down the highway.  He even waited patiently for my boyfriend to walk out to the car and to be introduced.

My boyfriend took a liking to the dog immediately.......... but apparently the feeling was not mutual.  Maybe it was because my boyfriend wasn't sharing his fries or a tiny bite of meat from his burger.  Pepi became perturbed enough he started to make his presence known.

It started out as a cough here and there from the dog.  Within a minute or two, the little cough turned into the sound of the dog coughing up his toenails.  As the coughs became more and more gross sounding, we noticed they were perfectly timed with my boyfriend's bites of the burger or fries.

"Geez!  Is the dog ok?", he asked after being grossed out by a particularly nasty coughing fit from the dog.

The tone of that question was not lost on the dog.  It apparently irritated him that this man was usurping his time with me, and he wasn't willing to share his fries either.  The dog decided it was time to launch a full assault.

Within seconds the aroma in the car took on a much more pungent scent.  As I quickly rolled down the windows, my boyfriend gave me a questioning look.

I smiled as I said "it was the dog."

"Yeah, right.", he replied.

Just as I was about to deny that the source of the smell came from me, the dog coughed and quite loudly passed gas.

"Oh my GOSH! What have you been feeding that dog?!" he cried as he hopped out of the car in search of fresh air.

Between fits of laughter and with tears running down my face, I reminded him of how old the dog was.

"Are you sure he's not dead already.  From the smell of things I think your parents had him stuffed and filled with robotics to make it look and sound like he's still alive." he asked.

After the aired had cleared a bit, he got back in the car and finished eating.  With his lunch break over, he leaned over to give me a kiss before he got out of the car.  The dog gave him one last parting shot with a particularly gross cough as he simultaneously passed gas.

"Dear lord!  I can actually taste that one!" he yelled as he scrambled for the door handle.

Laughing hysterically again, I called out to him "I don't think the dog likes you because you wouldn't share your fries........."

"I will make sure to buy him his own order next time so I can breathe." he said.

After I got home and settled for the night, my sweet little dog snuggled up next to me, just like when I was younger.  About that is when I had a realization: the dog had not coughed or passed gas once since my boyfriend got out of the car.  With that I laughed myself to sleep.

Pepi may have been too old to back full grown man up in a corner in a show of protection, but he figured out a way to get him out of the car faster than a speeding bullet.  He was one very cool dog and friend.

Has TV Gone To The Dogs?

It was 11pm on Saturday night and I couldn't sleep.  Having insomnia for most of my life, I've learned to deal with it by watching tv and trying to bore myself to sleep.  On this night, the programming was even lamer than usual and I was having a really hard time finding something worth being bored over.  As I surfed through the hundreds of cable channels, I came across one which stopped me in my tracks.  I was, and still am, positively dumbfounded.

I understand the whole goal of creating a tv channel is to load the programming with so many hit shows, advertisers are climbing over each other to get a spot of air time, but really?  As consumers became more electronically motivated and tv networks made more and more money off of advertising revenue, tv programming expanded with new channels.

For years men have cringed when they've walked into their man-caves to discover their wives watching HGTV, TLC, and Food Network.  I have heard more than one man moan in agony "Ah geez honey!  You're lowering my testosterone watching this stuff!". 

As television programming evolved and new niches were discovered, the channel line-up grew.  Men who have complained so bitterly about having to watch couples house hunt or compete against other couples doing home renovations, are now watching shows geared towards their interests.  Everything from car repair, to hunting, to even popular chefs teaching men to become their own grill masters, have popped up on a number of new tv channels.

All of this I can understand.  I get it.  Different strokes for different folks. Men complained, networks listened.  But this newest channel has me really wondering if tv hasn't gone a bit too far over the edge into weirdness.  What is this channel I'm talking about?

DOGTV.  Yes, you read that right.  It's a channel geared directly toward your pooch.  I about howled when I read the programming description:  "Evening Relaxation. Scientifically designed content to keep your dog calm and relaxed.".  And the subscription to this channel costs $4.99/month.  So as society has yelled and screamed about reducing "screen time" for children, we are now gearing it toward the family pet?

So, since health professionals have made a giant push to get kids out from in front of the television and into fresh air, we are now supposed to put our dogs in front of the tv?  And if our nation's children have become increasingly heavier because of a sedentary lifestyle, does this mean our dogs are going to start getting pudgier around the middle too?

I am envisioning a person trying to walk a Dachsund that's had a bit too much tv.  The poor pooch is already genetically disposed with minimal belly clearance from the ground.  Sitting in front of a tv all day could be the difference between the dog going for a walk with its owner and the owner having to roll it around the neighborhood.

I don't watch much tv anymore because I haven't found any shows which interest me.  I rarely even watch the evening news.  I can now understand why.  Television programming has clearly gone to the dogs.

Written by Christie Bielss

12 Days of Christmas

For Christmas last year my children decided they wanted a puppy.  They promised to take care of her, tend to all of her needs, and love her and protect her.  For the most part, they have done a fabulous job.  The dog is alive and healthy, so in my way of thinking, that counts as a success.

For Christmas this year, they both decided they were ready to take on more pet responsibilities.  My husband and I haven't been so excited about turning our home into a zoo, but agreed to it nonetheless.  After doing quite a bit of research, we found a few pets who are a bit less maintenance than a dog ..... and pets that we would be willing to accept responsibility for if they actually lived until my kids hit college.

With a new animal being added almost daily to our household, it has kind of reminded me of the Christmas song "The Twelve Days of Christmas".   So, in honor of my new zookeeper status and the Christmas season, I have rewritten the lyrics to this most popular Christmas tune so as to find the humor amongst the barking, glub-glubbing, pig-squealing chaos.

"On the first day of Christmas my children gave to me, a dog who really likes to pee ....everywhere. 

On the second day of Christmas my children gave to me, 2 guinea pigs, and a dog who really likes to pee....boy is it everywhere.

On the third day of Christmas my children gave to me, 3 veterinary bills, 2 guinea pigs, and a dog who really likes to pee ..... on the furniture.

On the fourth day of Christmas my children gave to me, 4 different lizards, 3 veterinary bills, 2 guinea pigs, and a dog who really likes to pee ......no place is safe.

On the fifth day of Christmas my children gave to me, 5 neon Tetra fish..... 4 different lizards, 3 veterinary bills, 2 guinea pigs, and a dog who really likes to pee.......... argh, not the sofa!

On the sixth day of Christmas my children gave to me, 6 broken fish tank pumps, 5 neon Tetra fish..... 4 different lizards, 3 veterinary bills, 2 guinea pigs, and a dog who really likes to pee ........and now poop.

On the seventh day of Christmas my children gave to me, 7 days of guinea pig medicine, 6 broken fish tank pumps, 5 neon Tetra fish.... 4 different lizards, 3 veterinary bills, 2 guinea pigs, and a dog who really likes to pee ......and poops on my magazine.

On the eighth day of Christmas my children gave to me, 8 leashes to walk their critters, 7 days of guinea pig medicine, 6 broken fish tank pumps, 5 neon Tetra fish.......... 4 different lizards, 3 veterinary bills, 2 guinea pigs, and a dog who really likes to pee ......good heavens what are we feeding this dog?!

On the ninth day of Christmas my children gave to me, 9 special animal foods to purchase, 8 leashes to walk their critters, 7 days of guinea pig medicine, 6 broken fish tank pumps, 5 neon Tetra fish.......... 4 different lizards, 3 veterinary bills, 2 guinea pigs, and a dog who really likes to pee....... oh lordy, it's getting deep.

On the tenth day of Christmas my children gave to me, a 10 gallon fish tank, 9 animal foods to purchase, 8 leashes to walk their critters, 7 days of guinea pig medicine, 6 broken fish tank pumps, 5 neon Tetra fish........ 4 different lizards, 3 veterinary bills, 2 guinea pigs, and a dog who really likes to pee....... I'm swimming here.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my children gave to me, 11 pooper-scoopers, 10 gallon fish tank, 9 animal foods to purchase, 8 leashes to walk their critters, 7 days of guinea pig medicine, 6 broken fish tank pumps, 5 neon Tetra fish.......... 4 different lizards, 3 veterinary bills, 2 guinea pigs, and a dog who really likes to pee and poop........ I may need a bulldozer.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my children gave to me, 12 cages to clean, 11 pooper-scoopers, 10 gallon fish tank, 9 animal foods to purchase, 8 leashes to walk critters, 7 days of guinea pig medicine, 6 broken fish tank pumps, 5 neon Tetra fish....... 4 different lizards, 3 veterinary bills, 2 guinea pigs, and a dog who has drowned me in pee......... and poop.

From my crazy zoo to you, The Redhead Sez wishes you a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to each and every one of you!  May your days be blessed and may you feel the love, joy, and comfort of the season.

Christie Bielss