Who is the Better Driver?

Why is it every time we get in the car to drive anywhere, my husband and son start talking smack about how men are better drivers than women.  "You know, most NASCAR drivers are men.  In the movies, they use male stunt drivers..... even for scenes when females are driving.  Evel Knievel was a man and there has not been a She-vel Knievel", and on they go to ad nauseam.

I listen to this nonsense even though national statistics prove women are the safer drivers.  As proof of that data, I have only had one car wrecked since I have been driving.  Who totaled it?  My husband. And yet he is still convinced he is the better driver.

A number of years ago, I made the executive decision that I would do all of the driving in our household. Why?
A) Because my husband does not like to drive;
B) When he looks around while he is driving, his hands turn the steering wheel in whichever direction his eyes move.  Being in the car while he is driving is like being in a lifeboat in the middle of an apocalyptic, your-life-is-flashing-before-your-eyes hurricane.

The last time he drove on a long car trip was in 1999.  He had taken over driving after we stopped for a leg-stretching break at a rest stop.  We were about 20 minutes down the road, when he started looking around at the scenery. 

The car began to sway back and forth. First we went left, then we went right. Within a few minutes of this rollercoaster ride, I got motion sick.  After I made him pull off the highway (so I could get sick on the side of the road), I took over the driving......... and have not given him the opportunity to drive me anywhere since.  He contends it was not his driving but that I got ahold of some bad chocolate.  There is no such thing as "bad" chocolate.

Recently while we were in the grocery store, I discovered my husband drives the shopping cart the same way he drives a car.  This discovery was a rather rude eye-opener when he took out an endcap of potted meat while he was perusing the macaroni and cheese on the other side of the aisle.

After we put all of the cans back on the shelf and I was muttering under my breath about what "fantastic" drivers men are, we turned the corner onto the cereal aisle.  We hadn't taken 5 steps down the aisle when we encountered a husband pushing a shopping cart behind his wife.  As the man pointed to a box of Pop-Tarts to his right, he pushed the shopping cart left.  He took out an entire shelf of Fruit Loops.

In a show of solidarity, my husband called out to the man and told him it was a combination of the uneven floor and the shopping cart's propensity to make a hard left turn which caused the destruction.  I looked at my husband and asked if he had used his Spidey-vision to get the level of the floor.

This Spring, my dad began been teaching our son to play golf.  Because we have hit the dog days of summer, my parents decided to take our son to a golf superstore and let him practice putting in an air-conditioned environment.

After he and my dad were finished putting, my son took over pushing the shopping cart from my mom.  As my dad was showing him another teenager putting, my son ran the shopping cart into a bank of 50+ putters.  Much to their horror, the putters fell down one after another like a bunch of lined up dominoes.  He apparently got the driving gene from his father.

But men are better drivers than women..........

Christie Bielss

A Redhead Cellular Rant

WARNING:  REDHEAD RANT!

You ran through a stoplight in a big SUV and nearly broadsided a car loaded with children.  You hit a curb at 40mph and caused both of the tires on the passenger side of your car to explode.  Pieces of your tires exploded everywhere causing vehicles around you to dart around tire remnants on the road, as well as having to dodge pieces falling from the sky like bomb shrapnel.  You crossed over into oncoming traffic and nearly hit a car head-on.  If I hadn't honked at you, you would have driven off a bridge and dropped 20-30 feet down into a creek and likely drown.  And this was only what I observed LAST WEEK!



Use of cell phones prohibited © Public Domain | Wikimedia Commons

On a good day, when you are actually paying attention to the road, you drive completely oblivious to others around you, either as though you own the road or you think you're the only person on the road.  Stick that cellular device in your hand and you drive like a drunk, blind monkey who has broken loose from the zoo.  You are equally, if not more, dangerous than a drunk.  And what's more, you are dumber than a stump for doing what you're doing.

Every single time you look at your phone, pick it up, or try to touch a button on it, you become as lethal as a nuclear bomb.  Yelling at you has done nothing.  Honking the horn at you has prevented you from going off the sides of roads, bridges, and overpasses.  But, to be perfectly honest, you need to wake up and know that drivers are 100% aware of what you're doing and you are starting to really tick us off!

You think because you hold your cell phone down below the dash or side windows, no one will know you're texting while driving or reading your Facebook messages.  Well guess what?  We know!  It's as obvious as the stripes on a zebra.  You drive like crap when you aren't on your phone, but you become downright dangerous when you are on it.

While you may think you are 'all that and a box of chocolates' and you think your importance is defined by how many calls you make and how many texts you send every minute of every day, let me inform you now that you aren't that important.  If you were, you'd be in a limo and have your own personal driver. 

Let me tell you something else Mr./Mrs./Ms./Miss Whoever-You-Think-You-Are, when you go to jail for injuring or killing someone because of your over-inflated, self-absorbed, egomaniacal need to feel important, you won't be that box of chocolates.  You will just be a number.  Prisoner number ____ to be a little more exact.

Your name will not be associated with the rich and powerful.  Your name will be associated with every other murderer, attempted murderer, and crack-head who has ever been convicted of a crime and put behind bars.

So put down that blasted phone and pay attention to the road.  Your vehicle IS a lethal weapon, not only for you but for everyone in your path.  Whoever calls you can wait to speak to you until you reach a safe area to pull over or your destination.  Whoever texts you can also wait until it's safe for you to reply.

Driving already requires you to be a multi-tasker on its own.  You don't need to add any additional tasks while you are behind the wheel.  Remember, every single time you touch that phone while you are behind the wheel of a car, you are not only jeopardizing your own life and anyone who is in the car with you, but everyone on the road, sidewalk, sitting inside their homes, and anywhere else your car ends up landing because you're too busy playing with the buttons on your phone than you are driving. 

PUT DOWN THAT BLASTED PHONE AND DRIVE!!!

Written by Christie Bielss

The School Pick-Up Line

While waiting for my kids to get out from school, I've noticed there are 4 types of drivers in the school pick-up line.  The First-in-Liner, the Waiter, the Slacker, and the dreaded Aggressor.

The First-in-Liner is the parent who is always at the school first to pick up their child.  The First-in-Liner arrives an hour early and can usually be observed taking a quick afternoon nap while waiting for the children to be released.  When you pull up behind them, they wake up just long enough to give you the perfunctory nod of approval in the rearview mirror for having become second in line.  It doesn't matter how early you get to school to try and beat the First-in-Liner, they always beat you to the punch.  It's like they have a 6th sense which notifies them of a potential interloper.  They will end their day especially early just so Sally-Jo can't usurp their place in line.

Then you have the Waiter.  This is not the person who serves you in a restaurant, it's the person who arrives early enough to be between 4th and 30th place in line.  These are the people that the Slacker and Aggressor find most annoying due to the vast amount of space they leave between themselves and the vehicle in front of them.  They are also the ones that park their vehicle and walk over to their friend's driver's side window and strike up a conversation.  Their conversation will continue, much to the Aggressor's annoyance, even when the kids have been released and the pick-up line is moving.  On many occasions, they are the ones who get honked at by an Aggressor because the pick-up line will have moved up 4-5 car lengths while the Waiter sits there oblivious to the world moving around them.

Next up is the Slacker.  This is the driver who, after the first week of school, has decided they do not want to wait through the pick-up line right at release time and are always the last ones to arrive.  This driver is the reason why so many notes come home from school asking parents to be "prompt" when picking up their kids.  The Slacker's kid is always the one you see sitting on the school steps with their head in their hands, grumbling about how every other parent can make it on time but their own.  When their ride does finally arrive, you can hear the child asking their parent "So, what made you late today?".

And last, but not least, is the Aggressor.  There are 2 forms of Aggressor and both are the most disliked drivers of them all.  First up is the one who drives around the cars in the pick-up line and finds the spot that one of the Slackers has left wide open.  With cat-like reflexes, they whip their vehicle into the open spot and then give a little wave in their rearview mirror thanking the Slacker for having given them a great spot in line while saying "Serves you right Slacker!".  The Slacker, and everyone behind the Slacker, is then left muttering under their breath about what kind of person would cut in line at their age. 

The other Aggressor is the one that everyone finds annoying.  This Aggressor will honk their horn and yell at the Waiter to get them to move their car forward 6 inches.  When this Aggressor gets up to the area for their child to climb into their vehicle, this driver doesn't even wait for the vehicle door to be closed before they floorboard the gas pedal while yelling for their child to put their seatbelt on and hold on because they've got to beat the "idiots" to the exit or, heaven forbid, they'll be stuck there for another 3 minutes.

As for me, I'm none of the above.  I've decided it's way more fun to watch these daily battles from the safety of my car, which is parked in the school parking lot.  Which one are (or were) you?

by: Christie Bielss