It Does WHAT?!!!!

When you have picked up a prescription from your doctor or pharmacy, have you ever read the package insert which lists all of the common, uncommon, and rare side effects?  Or maybe you haven't read the packaging, but you've watched one the many pharmaceutical company commercials and have heard the announcer reel off a list of the side effects.

Last summer I came down with an infection which required a pretty hefty antibiotic.  I had no side effects with the first dose but, after the 2nd dose, my left eyelid started to do that little flutter-twitch which can be pretty annoying.  By the 3rd dose my eyelid was in a full fledged spasm/twitch that made me look like Popeye.  

As I was about to get upset about my squinched up eye, all of the sudden my right leg kicked outward like I was trying to punt a football, while my left arm spasmed up toward my face causing me to nearly punch myself out.  It was at this point that I thought to check what the side effects of this medication were.  Sure enough "muscle spasms" were listed as a common side effect.

I thought that to be a bit ambiguous considering I now looked like I had Tourette's syndrome (God bless anyone who has to deal with this syndrome on a daily basis)........... and sadly, I probably sounded a bit like the girl with Tourette's in the movie Deuce Bigalow with each uncontrolled spasm.  Thankfully I was home alone so my children didn't learn any new words.

I just took an antibiotic in June whose side effect left me a bit bewildered.  The side effects in order were:  constipation, nausea, diarrhea.....  Are they trying to tell me I should wear some "underwear armor" because after my stomach has expanded to the size of the Goodyear Blimp, I'm going to get some rather instanteous relief?

After these latest side effect episodes, I started actually listening to the pharmaceutical companies tv commercials just for the list of side effects.  I've found it rather surprising that some of the most bizarre side effects have been from some of the more common medicines.

If you're a smoker and are trying to kick the habit, your doctor might prescribe Chantix to help you.  One of the side effects is hallucinations.  So, you've got a smoker going through nicotine withdrawal who is having more mood swings than 10 women going through menopause, and you give them a medication which causes hallucinations......... you may want to go ahead and put the SWAT team on stand-by.

Or how about Viagra, the little blue pill for.....well.... um......  you know.  Anyway, this pill must've been manufactured by Willy Wonka's Oompah Loompahs as it can alter your vision to where everything you see is the color blue, just like the little obnoxious girl in the movie who chews the piece of gum and turns into a  gigantic blueberry.  Hopefully all Viagra turns blue is your vision.

One of my favorites was the commercial for Propecia, the hair loss/baldness drug.  It causes gynecomastia.  I had never heard of that condition and just had to Google it to find out.  Gynecomastia is a condition which causes men to grow fully functional mammory glands that actually lactate.  That's right!  Your man can grow hair to cover up that bald spot, as well a fully functioning pair of boobs to nurse your baby with!  Can't afford a wet nurse for that new baby?  Get your significant other on some Propecia and you can trade off breastfeeding the baby so you each can get a full night's rest.

But the beat all, end all drug side effect that has made me cringe and laugh at the same time was for an antibiotic.  Ok, so you go to your doctor and discover you have a respiratory infection and he prescribes you this medication to clear it up.  One morning, several days into taking the medication, you wake up and roll over to say good morning to your spouse only to scare the beejeevies out them because you now have a tongue that's a cross between looking like a Chow and an alien.

Yep!  This one medication which is supposed to cure your respiratory infection has now caused you to get a black, hairy tongue.  But don't worry, the pharmaceutical company says.  When you complete your 14 day dose of the medication, with some regular tongue brushing, the hairs will eventually fall out and your tongue will return to a normal pinkish color.

So, until the hairs fall out, do you part those tongue hairs in the middle or on the side?  Should you use a conditioner to prevent tangles?  Or maybe you could wax your tongue and get rid of all the hairs........ of course, that might be akin to sticking your tongue on a metal pole in the dead of winter...... never a good idea.

All of these drugs have passed the F.D.A.'s rigorous and intensive scrutiny and the F.D.A. has deemed these side effects to be within acceptable limits and guidelines.  Kind of makes you wonder what the side effects are of the drugs that didn't pass and have been denied............

by: Christie Bielss

Where's Waldo.....uhh... the Redhead?

Have you been wondering where this crazy redhead went?   Maybe you figured I was off to a tropical locale?   I wish, but since I'm one of those redheads that can get a sunburn by laying out at night during a full moon phase, a tropical locale is unlikely.

Maybe you thought I'd run out of topics to discuss?  I'm a redhead.  It's a rare day indeed when I run out of topics to blather about.

Maybe I've gone shopping........ with my Mother? This idea is much more plausible as my Mother can shop for days on end and walk the legs off a billy goat when shopping for the perfect outfit or pair of shoes........... or, heaven forbid, both.  But no, I haven't been shopping.

The reality:  It's nothing that exciting.  I've just been under the weather.

Being born a stubborn redhead, I refused to acknowledge that my body was not functioning normally.  I put off my symptoms as being several things such as:  peri-menopausal with body temperatures fluctuating between being hot enough to produce molten lava, to being so cold I donned my goose-down puffer coat with a warm fuzzy scarf, mittens, and ski hat in 90+ degree weather......... and both within 20 minutes of each other.  If it wasn't peri-menopausal symptoms, then I told myself I was just not eating right, wasn't getting enough sleep, or maybe eating something that may have been just a touch "off".  And, being a Mom whose kids were in the final weeks of school before summer break, I really did not have the time, or luxury, to be sick.  There were class functions, grade promotion ceremonies, award ceremonies, parent/teacher conferences, field trips, and on, and on.

My symptoms had been going on for quite some time but I chose to ignore them.  At the nagging of my best friend, I called the doctor and made an appointment to see what the problem was.  While my BFF is not a redhead, I'm pretty sure she carries the redheaded gene for persistence.  Our phone conversations started with "Hi! ........ Have you made a doctor's appointment yet?", or "How are you feeling?..........When is your doctor's appointment?".  We'd be talking about food, exercise, and losing weight, and she'd use it as an opening to ask "Yeah, when's your doctor's appointment again?".  She was getting just feisty enough that I knew she was about to pull out the big guns. Rather than having her call and sick my Mother on me, or get the "you're a mother to young children who need you to be around to raise them" lecture (for the 10,000th time), I gave in and made the appointment.

At my physician's office, the nurse called me back and with "the look", promptly handed me a clear Dixie cup and pointed me to the restroom.  My doctor's nurse is kind of like a Chihuahua - she's small but mighty.  You do not fuss with her.  I obediantly entered the restroom.  "Oh!  You have got to be kidding me!", I said as soon as she flicked on the light.  The toilet was so tiny and low to the ground it looked like a toddler's potty training chair.  With a firm "Go", the nurse closed the restroom door. 

The doctor diagnosed me with a kidney infection, prescribed an antibiotic and firmly instructed me to drink lots of water and sent me on my way.  Off to the pharmacy I went and picked up my prescription, happily thinking I'd be good to go in a day or so.

Within 2 days things were getting worse, so off to the Urologist I went.  He did some labs and determined I did not have a kidney infection.  The Urologist immediately started going over an action plan as to what tests he felt were needed.  I sat in the room as he told me I needed a CT scan because I could have a kidney stone or a tumor.  The horror stories of friends passing kidney stones immediately flashed through my mind with lightning speed.  As I was mulling this information over, the doctor went on to say that he felt a bladder scope would also be necessary if the CT scan came back negative.  As he got out his diagram of the human body and started to describe what was involved, I wasn't sure whether to pass out or hit the door at a full run.  He must've noticed how I was sizing him up to see whether I could run over him like a defensive tackle to get out the door, because he quickly switched gears and said that we'd just take it one test at a time.

I scheduled the CT scan, little realizing that it would be conducted at a urology CT scan center whose clientele base consisted almost entirely of elderly men.  When I walked up to the receptionist, she asked "Name?" and I gave her mine.  She smiled and said "No, I need the patient's name.".  With a deep sigh, an uncontrolled eye roll, and a great deal of embarrassment, I said that I was the patient.  With quickly diverted eyes, and an "Oh!" she quickly checked me in.

The Radiologist's report came back with lightning speed and it was determined I do indeed have a pretty nasty infection.  Well, thank goodness for that because that meant there was no need for that bladder scope and I didn't have to "pass" the greatly feared kidney stone.

I thought this would be the lesser of the evils and it would be a breeze when I was put on a liquid diet for 2 days.  Famous last words. By the end of those first 2 days, I was so hungry I could?
a) gnaw the bark off a tree
b) eat the tail end out of a skunk
c) think road kill looked like a gourmet feast
d) all of the above

The answer was "d) all of the above".

I am doing much better now and while I have graduated to a soft food diet and am getting enough food to satisfy my hunger, the physical urge to sink my teeth into something firm and chew has become quite strong.  Our dog must have noticed me staring at her chew bones because she has started hiding them from me.  On the bright side, I've lost 13 pounds with the dietary changes........ just in time for swimsuit season........... 

So, please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position. Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and hold on tight because the The Redhead Sez is back!

by: Christie Bielss