Who is the Better Driver?

Why is it every time we get in the car to drive anywhere, my husband and son start talking smack about how men are better drivers than women.  "You know, most NASCAR drivers are men.  In the movies, they use male stunt drivers..... even for scenes when females are driving.  Evel Knievel was a man and there has not been a She-vel Knievel", and on they go to ad nauseam.

I listen to this nonsense even though national statistics prove women are the safer drivers.  As proof of that data, I have only had one car wrecked since I have been driving.  Who totaled it?  My husband. And yet he is still convinced he is the better driver.

A number of years ago, I made the executive decision that I would do all of the driving in our household. Why?
A) Because my husband does not like to drive;
B) When he looks around while he is driving, his hands turn the steering wheel in whichever direction his eyes move.  Being in the car while he is driving is like being in a lifeboat in the middle of an apocalyptic, your-life-is-flashing-before-your-eyes hurricane.

The last time he drove on a long car trip was in 1999.  He had taken over driving after we stopped for a leg-stretching break at a rest stop.  We were about 20 minutes down the road, when he started looking around at the scenery. 

The car began to sway back and forth. First we went left, then we went right. Within a few minutes of this rollercoaster ride, I got motion sick.  After I made him pull off the highway (so I could get sick on the side of the road), I took over the driving......... and have not given him the opportunity to drive me anywhere since.  He contends it was not his driving but that I got ahold of some bad chocolate.  There is no such thing as "bad" chocolate.

Recently while we were in the grocery store, I discovered my husband drives the shopping cart the same way he drives a car.  This discovery was a rather rude eye-opener when he took out an endcap of potted meat while he was perusing the macaroni and cheese on the other side of the aisle.

After we put all of the cans back on the shelf and I was muttering under my breath about what "fantastic" drivers men are, we turned the corner onto the cereal aisle.  We hadn't taken 5 steps down the aisle when we encountered a husband pushing a shopping cart behind his wife.  As the man pointed to a box of Pop-Tarts to his right, he pushed the shopping cart left.  He took out an entire shelf of Fruit Loops.

In a show of solidarity, my husband called out to the man and told him it was a combination of the uneven floor and the shopping cart's propensity to make a hard left turn which caused the destruction.  I looked at my husband and asked if he had used his Spidey-vision to get the level of the floor.

This Spring, my dad began been teaching our son to play golf.  Because we have hit the dog days of summer, my parents decided to take our son to a golf superstore and let him practice putting in an air-conditioned environment.

After he and my dad were finished putting, my son took over pushing the shopping cart from my mom.  As my dad was showing him another teenager putting, my son ran the shopping cart into a bank of 50+ putters.  Much to their horror, the putters fell down one after another like a bunch of lined up dominoes.  He apparently got the driving gene from his father.

But men are better drivers than women..........

Christie Bielss

A Redhead Cellular Rant

WARNING:  REDHEAD RANT!

You ran through a stoplight in a big SUV and nearly broadsided a car loaded with children.  You hit a curb at 40mph and caused both of the tires on the passenger side of your car to explode.  Pieces of your tires exploded everywhere causing vehicles around you to dart around tire remnants on the road, as well as having to dodge pieces falling from the sky like bomb shrapnel.  You crossed over into oncoming traffic and nearly hit a car head-on.  If I hadn't honked at you, you would have driven off a bridge and dropped 20-30 feet down into a creek and likely drown.  And this was only what I observed LAST WEEK!



Use of cell phones prohibited © Public Domain | Wikimedia Commons

On a good day, when you are actually paying attention to the road, you drive completely oblivious to others around you, either as though you own the road or you think you're the only person on the road.  Stick that cellular device in your hand and you drive like a drunk, blind monkey who has broken loose from the zoo.  You are equally, if not more, dangerous than a drunk.  And what's more, you are dumber than a stump for doing what you're doing.

Every single time you look at your phone, pick it up, or try to touch a button on it, you become as lethal as a nuclear bomb.  Yelling at you has done nothing.  Honking the horn at you has prevented you from going off the sides of roads, bridges, and overpasses.  But, to be perfectly honest, you need to wake up and know that drivers are 100% aware of what you're doing and you are starting to really tick us off!

You think because you hold your cell phone down below the dash or side windows, no one will know you're texting while driving or reading your Facebook messages.  Well guess what?  We know!  It's as obvious as the stripes on a zebra.  You drive like crap when you aren't on your phone, but you become downright dangerous when you are on it.

While you may think you are 'all that and a box of chocolates' and you think your importance is defined by how many calls you make and how many texts you send every minute of every day, let me inform you now that you aren't that important.  If you were, you'd be in a limo and have your own personal driver. 

Let me tell you something else Mr./Mrs./Ms./Miss Whoever-You-Think-You-Are, when you go to jail for injuring or killing someone because of your over-inflated, self-absorbed, egomaniacal need to feel important, you won't be that box of chocolates.  You will just be a number.  Prisoner number ____ to be a little more exact.

Your name will not be associated with the rich and powerful.  Your name will be associated with every other murderer, attempted murderer, and crack-head who has ever been convicted of a crime and put behind bars.

So put down that blasted phone and pay attention to the road.  Your vehicle IS a lethal weapon, not only for you but for everyone in your path.  Whoever calls you can wait to speak to you until you reach a safe area to pull over or your destination.  Whoever texts you can also wait until it's safe for you to reply.

Driving already requires you to be a multi-tasker on its own.  You don't need to add any additional tasks while you are behind the wheel.  Remember, every single time you touch that phone while you are behind the wheel of a car, you are not only jeopardizing your own life and anyone who is in the car with you, but everyone on the road, sidewalk, sitting inside their homes, and anywhere else your car ends up landing because you're too busy playing with the buttons on your phone than you are driving. 

PUT DOWN THAT BLASTED PHONE AND DRIVE!!!

Written by Christie Bielss

Christmas Spirit

"Patience is a virtue".  How I hate that phrase.  Whenever someone says it, all I want to do is scream "HELLO?!! I'm a redhead!  I have ZERO patience!".  There have been so many times in my life when I have wished God had gifted me with patience, but, for whatever reason, He didn't. 

Since patience seems like it could be something you can pattern into your psyche, I made the decision to try and practice it when I'd rather scream and rant.  I figured it may not take completely but if I could knock my stress level down a notch or two, that could be considered a moral victory.  I'm pretty sure God, having a great sense of humor, said "Yeah, right!  Let's see how committed you really are!" and immediately tested my level of commitment within moments of me making that proclamation.

My daughter and I were in the car headed up to the grocery store to restock my pantry since my son has been eating us out of house and home.  Driving around our city on a good day can be aggravating with our great diversity of horrendously bad drivers on the road, but during the holidays it seems like these people drive even worse (if that's even possible) and there seem to be lots more of them.  When you combine these terrible drivers with all of the out-of-town drivers who don't know their way around, it's a recipe for serious aggravation and road rage.

So, as we were making our way down a multi-lane road, we kept having to go around drivers who were doing 25mph in 40mph+ speed zones.  My jaw was set as I was determined to just go about my errand and not be cranky.  Apparently I wasn't doing that great of a job controlling my aggravation since my daughter patted my hand and said "Hmmmm, there seem to be a lot of slow drivers out today Mom.  We'll get there".

Not sure how many times I've said those last 3 words to my daughter when she's running full-tilt to get to something she's excited about, but it sure does stink having it spit back at you.  I inhaled deeply and forced myself to relax.  We finally made it to the stoplight where we turn right.......... and sitting smack-dab in front of me is an out-of-stater who is wanting to go straight....... in the right turn only lane.

Grrrrrrrrr!!!!!  I started thinking "Christmas spirit........... Christmas spirit............ Christmas spirit.........".  I guess I was thinking it so hard, I actually said it out loud.  My daughter looked at me and started cracking up.  She then leaned over and kissed my hand and started rubbing my shoulder as she said "That's right Mom!  Smile and get the Christmas spirit!  At some point the light will change and then somebody from the other lane will run him off the road as he tries to weasel his way in from the wrong lane.  See!  Happy place!".

Now she had me laughing since that was pretty darn close to what I was thinking!  The light finally changed and as we (and 20 cars stuck behind us) turned right, we could hear the cars honking with great gusto at the person who had been in front of us as they did the bumper shuffle to see who would let the out-of-stater into their lane.  We giggled to ourselves as we made our way up to the next stop light so we could turn into the grocery store.  This time though we were turning left.

As the light changed and we started turning, out of nowhere the car from the middle lane decides that he needs to grocery shop and nearly side-swipes us in his zeal to replenish his milk and bread reserves.  As I laid on my car's horn and expertly dodged this moron's vehicle, my daughter yells at the other driver "Hey!  You can't turn from there!  Can't you read?!"

Laughing hysterically, I looked over at my daughter and patted her hand as I said "Christmas spirit, dear!  Christmas spirit!".  She smiled broadly as she said "Not when it's on my side, Mom!"........

Christie Bielss

Great American Road Trip Memories

We are taking a vacation this summer by car which will encompass 5 states and several thousand miles with 2 kids.  Yeah, this could get interesting but we've done it several times before and survived with sanity intact ........ ok, partially intact.  If nothing else, we will make lots of memories.

We took our first road trip with our son when he was just 14 months old.  We were moving 700 miles, so it was going to be a pretty interesting trip with a very active toddler strapped into a carseat for 2 days worth of driving.

We left the deep south late in the afternoon, headed for our new home in Texas.  I had our son strapped in his carseat in my minivan, with my husband following us in his pickup truck. 

Our son was having a grand time making the pulling down motion and getting the truckers to honk their horns.  Scared the beejeevies out of me a few times, but that's better than listening to a crying child for 700 miles.  As we crossed the Alabama/Mississippi border, the sun set and darkness started to creep in on us.  This was the part of the trip my husband and I were the most nervous about.  Pitch black, a baby who's afraid of the dark, and strapped in a carseat for hours.  Yeah, this could get dicey and very uncomfortable ....... for both of us.

The darkness really set in and boy, you couldn't see a thing outside of the car windows.  It was very creepy, even for me.  But having driven this before, and knowing how dark it gets, I had thought ahead and brought our son a little kid-proof flashlight to entertain him and light his little area.  I had shown him how to use it the day before, so when I reached back and handed it to him, he giggled with excitement.  Haha!  "How smart am I?" I thought to myself.  "Why - I am BRILLIANT!!!!".  Famous last words.

Our son was having a grand time trying to find alligators, bears, and lions outside the car windows as we drove through the forest.  That was fun for a while but when he didn't find any wild animals, he quickly lost interest.  He started looking all around the car with the flashlight, entertained with how the light could bounce around on the ceiling and floorboards of the minivan.  After a while, he quieted down and relaxed with the darkness that enveloped our car. 

I noticed as we continued to drive that several passing cars  must have some tired drivers, as they kept hitting those grooves in the pavement which alert you to your vehicle leaving the roadway.  After a number of vehicles had crossed onto the grooves as they passed us, it dawned on me that something might be wrong with my car and maybe they were giving us a wide berth.  As the next car drove past, I looked in my side mirror and discovered the reason.  Our sweet, beautiful, little innocent baby boy, in his eagerness to see who was driving the car passing us, was shining his flashlight directly into the unsuspecting driver's eyes and creating a beam of death!

Considering that we were in the middle of a forest preserve with all sorts of wild animals, I was not stopping to take back the flashlight for fear of being eaten by the alligators, bears, or lions my son had been looking for.  All I could do at that point was to ask my son in my nicest June Cleaver-like voice, to please not blind the helpless unsuspecting drivers with his flashlight because he will cause them to all crash and die.

We reached our hotel and my husband walked over to our minivan laughing hysterically.  Before I could say a word, he told me that our son had been blinding drivers for over 100 miles before I'd noticed.   Welcome to the great time-honored American family road trip where the best laid plans usually go awry.........

by: Christie Bielss