Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Me?! High Maintenance?!

For some inexplicable reason being a redhead automatically classifies me as "high maintenance".  I really think it's a bit of a stretch to call me high maintenance.  Ok, so I can sometimes, on a few rare occasions, be difficult, sassy, hard-headed, cheerful, temperamental, zany, and bewildering, all at the same time.  I don't think that classifies me as high-maintenance though.  I think I am more along the lines of............ animated.

Low Maintenance, Fashion

I'm definitely not like Meg Ryan's character Sally in the movie "When Harry Met Sally".  No, I'm usually a regular old "order it like it's on the menu" kind of person....... aka low-maintenance.  I don't even ask for dressing on the side of my salads. 

Now, as for some of you who call me high-maintenance but like to call yourselves low -maintenance?  Well, I got behind you at the Taco Bell drive-thru window the other day, and let me tell you, you were soooooo not low-maintenance.  Three separate cars who had 1 female driver alone in each vehicle (2 blondes and 1 brunette), and yet it took over 5 minutes per car to place their orders because of all the special requests and substitutions.

By the time the third car pulled up, I was ready to smack the woman with her "bean burrito, no cheese or onion."  When she got to: "a meat only Cool Ranch taco - which means no lettuce, tomato, cheese, or onion.  A large soda with half Diet Pepsi and half regular Pepsi and no ice. Did you get that?  No, you did it wrong.  I want a bean burrito, no cheese or onion....." I was wishing I had a Sherman tank to move her out of the drive-thru lane.

For myself, I ordered a burrito supreme.  The order-taker asked "Just a regular burrito supreme?".  Yep, a regular old mystery-meat supreme.  When I drove up to the window to pay, the person looked shocked that I was a redhead ordering something simple.  Really?!  They are going to give me that look when the real high-maintenance women, who weren't redheads by the way, came through the line before me?

This experience reminded me of my last experience at the M-A-C Cosmetics counter at Nordstrom's.  As I sat there and dutifully waited for the makeup artist to find the right type and shade of foundation for my whiter than a Saltine cracker skin, I listened to the woman next to me give the makeup artist her list of "wants".  She was searching for the "perfect" eyeliner.  I gathered from several remarks she made to her salesperson that she thought she was low-maintenance.

Well, Ms. Low-Maintenance wanted a waterproof eyeliner that could withstand sweating while working out but came off without eye makeup remover, and it had to be hypo-allergenic and not tested on animals.  The liner had to go on smoothly, had to be a different shade than her mascara but not make her look like a peacock, doesn't drop down under her eyes when she blinks because she doesn't want attention drawn to her under-eye circles, but it must smudge nicely when eye shadow was applied.  Oh! And she had to be able to apply it without stretching the skin of her eyelid in any way because she didn't want to encourage crow's feet.  But she's low-maintenance and I'm high-maintenance?

Ok, I will concede that I do like to keep my gray hairs dyed.  I guess in this area I am high-maintenance.  I guess my high-maintenance side doesn't appreciate  looking like a contestant in a beauty pageant for skunks. But in my high/low-maintenance defense, my family is quite verbal in letting me know that it's time for me to get my roots done.  Heck, there are days when my son purposely parts my hair just to see if he can spot my gray roots.  So in all fairness, I'm really going to the hair salon as a benefit, or even as my duty as a wife and mother, for my family.

And if I was truly high-maintenance then I don't think I'd have clothes in my closet that are so old and out of style that even Goodwill rejected them.  Not to mention my shoes.  I have had more pairs than I can count which have disintegrated into a puddle of material and leather on the floor of my closet due to old age.  Every time I find another pair which have self-combusted, I feel the need to say a quick prayer over them before I vacuum up their pieces "ashes to ashes and dust to dust....".

I'm no Imelda Marcos or Ivana Trump though.  I don't have people waiting on me hand and foot (although I wouldn't mind getting used to that), and I don't have multiple closets full of clothes............ anymore.  Yes, I used to have 3 closets full of clothes.  Having children moved me from high-maintenance to low-maintenance very quickly.  The number of clothes I wear in my closet now probably wouldn't fill up 1/4 of my closet.  It's a sad, sad low-maintenance wardrobe, to be sure.

But now that I think of it, what if people are actually telling me I'm high-maintenance in the hopes that I'll actually become high-maintenance because my clothes are so old?!  Wait.......... if I spend money on me, then I might have to reduce my chocolate budget.......... which could have the unintended consequence of weight loss.  Hmmmm.............. Which could mean I could fit back into some of those clothes in my closet.

Oh, this is going to be a tough decision.  High-maintenance or low-maintenance.  Which way will the pendulum swing??? ............. I guess we will have to wait and see which direction I go but now that I've thought about it this long, if I'm going to automatically be classified as high-maintenance, I do think I should practice giving people the high-maintenance redhead they expect.  Now, how did Meg Ryan order her food in that movie?????

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